


somehow it just can't be true (that's all i've left of you)

by cradleourdesire



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M, Nostalgia, One Shot, Photographs, Pining, Pre-Slash, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:14:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22223890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cradleourdesire/pseuds/cradleourdesire
Summary: Steve always carried a photo of Bucky with him. In a cruel twist of fate, he loses both the photograph and the man at the same time. Decades later, finding one leads him back to the other.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	somehow it just can't be true (that's all i've left of you)

**Author's Note:**

> i found this photo of bucky and couldn't shake the idea of steve carrying it around with him through the years, always reaching for it when he missed his best pal. this is the result, please enjoy. 
> 
> title from the song photographs and memories by jim croce
> 
> unbeta'd, all mistakes are my own

****

**-1936-**

In the July heat, the only thing Bucky wanted was to go home after working at the docks all day. He has one stop to make along the way, and as tired as he is, he knows it'll be worth it when he sees Stevie's smile. He makes his purchase, even paying extra to get it wrapped up all nice 'cause his best guy only turns 18 once. Bucky hurries home, then, knowing Steve is waiting for him. 

Steve _loves_ the camera Bucky gets him. He's been eyeing one just like it at the store down the street for ages, and doesn't even wanna think about how long Bucky had to save up for it. He even got a few rolls of film with it, and Steve is so delighted he barely knows what to say. 

"Buck.. t-thank you. I can't believe you remembered I wanted this" he says, awestruck.

Bucky just smiles at him, wide and beautiful, "Of course I remembered, ya punk. You haven't stopped talkin' about it for weeks."

Steve starts carrying it around with him, just like his sketchbook and pencils. He loves feeling the weight of it on his shoulder, the patient skill needed to focus it just right, the soft noise the shutter makes every time. He takes pictures of strangers in the park, birds in the street, and even their apartment, just to test it out. His favourite subject, of course, is always Bucky. Steve tries to limit the amount of photos he takes of his best friend, because he knows he needs to be careful about that sorta thing, but the desire to capture Bucky's strong jaw, and the way his hair curls over his forehead in something other than charcoal is too strong sometimes.

When the call for all able-bodied young men to join the armed forces comes not long after, and Bucky leaves Steve behind as he gets whisked away to Basic, a deep part of him is fiercely glad for all the photographs of Bucky he has tucked away. 

**-1943-**

Bucky had shipped out for England first thing yesterday morning. Today was possibly Steve's last day in their small shared apartment, and he was packing some things to take with him. He had his sketchbook tucked in with his other books, along with all of his medications, asthma cigarettes, and a few spare shirts. He leaves the camera behind - no sense risking it getting broken - but lingers over the stack of photos he's taken over the last few years. There's one of Bucky, right before he left for Basic sitting on top. Chewing his lip, Steve tries to decide if he could justify bringing it. A car honks outside, and he's out of time. Lifting his bag onto his small shoulder, Steve slips this photo into his pocket and heads for the door. 

Basic training is tougher than Bucky made it sound, but Steve isn't one to give up. He figures it's all worth it when Dr. Erskine chooses him for Project Rebirth. The morning of the procedure, he's driving through Brooklyn with Agent Carter. Steve stumbles his way through a conversation with her, knowing Bucky would be laughing at him the whole time. He feels for the edge of the photograph in his pocket and smiles to himself. 

Colonel Phillips refuses to take Steve to London with him, and Steve is angry. So when Brandt offers him a promotion, he quickly accepts. Selling war bonds across the nation, however, isn't exactly what Steve had in mind when he shook the Senator's hand. He figures it still beats sitting alone in a cold lab in Jersey, though.

When he's in Chicago, Steve takes out the photo that's made a home for itself in his front pocket and thinks about the time Bucky promised to show him the country when all of this was over. Smiling softly, he thinks this'll have to do 'til Bucky comes home. 

**-1945-**

In the mountains, Steve is awake keeping watch. He spends the night thinking about how different Bucky's been acting, ever since Steve pulled him off that table in Azzano. The way his smile doesn't reach his eyes anymore, that he doesn't hum quietly to himself anymore, and the subtle way Bucky angles his body away from Steve instead of leaning into his touch the way he always used to. It breaks Steve's heart just a little bit more every time he notices something else, and tries not to wonder if it's because Bucky doesn't like his new body. 

Shaking his head, he double checks that their makeshift camp is quiet before he reaches into his uniform for the photograph he has tucked away. Steve knows Bucky is nearby and safe, he's made sure of it, but having his photo is still comforting in a way very few things are these days. 

Except, he can't find it. Trying not to panic, he thinks back to how much ground they've covered in the last few days and his heart sinks. There's no way to retrace his steps, and he knows asking the Commandos about it is out of the question for fear of raising suspicion. He _definitely_ can't ask Bucky, considering Steve hasn't even told him he has the photo, nevermind the fact that he's been carrying it with him around ever since he left Brooklyn. Steve sighs, resigning himself to the knowledge that he's lost yet another piece of the man he loves.

Bucky falls from the train the next day. 

When Steve nosedives into the Arctic, he has Peggy's photo in his compass and an empty feeling in his pocket where Bucky's photo was always kept. 

**-2014-**

So many years that feel like days later, Steve finds himself in a D.C. museum, his own face staring back at him from behind the glass. There's so much he needs to learn in order to catch up, always being told of yet another thing that helped shape the decades he spent under the ice. It was overwhelming at times, made him feel itchy in his own skin. All this future stuff was more Bucky's thing, anyway. Steve wanted a moment to remember, instead, so he takes his time wandering through the exhibit, chasing after a deep sense of nostalgia. 

Stopping suddenly, Steve just stares at the familiar face looking down at him, feeling his chest go tight the same way it used to before an asthma attack. How could he have forgotten how handsome Bucky was? The sharp cut of his jaw, the way his Sergeant uniform highlighted the curve of his shoulders. On instinct, he reached into his pocket for a soft-worn photograph. When his hand closed around nothing, Steve's heart sank. A quick scan of the room tells him the only photo he wants to see, the only one that really mattered, isn't here. Steve briefly considers asking Tony for help checking the government archives for it, but dismisses the thought quickly. He isn't ready to have that conversation with anybody yet. 

Upset at himself for forgetting so many things that were important once, Steve turns around and walks out. He doesn't look back.

★ ★ ★

Someone kills Nick Fury. Natasha calls him the Winter Soldier. His name is not among the answers Steve Rogers is looking for.

Returning to Camp Lehigh brings up memories that makes Steve's chest hurt. He doesn't miss being small, but something about being back here makes him long for bony knees and a strong arm wrapped around his shoulders. His fingers inch towards an empty pocket, but Natasha pulls him out of his thoughts before he can reach for something long gone. 

Learning that SHIELD was compromised and HYDRA was still an active threat was like a punch to the stomach. However, it was still less shocking than seeing Bucky's face emerge from behind the Winter Soldier's mask. As Rumlow was handcuffing him, Natasha and Sam, the only thing Steve could concentrate on was how Bucky could possibly be alive, and why he didn't even know his own name. 

Talking to Sam on the bridge gave Steve an idea. Maybe Bucky doesn't recognize him now, but Steve has always been persistent. Borrowing his old suit from the Smithsonian seemed like the most surefire way to jog Bucky's memories. Brain damage or not, Steve was banking on Bucky remembering how much he loved that particular outfit. 

Putting it on felt a little like coming home. Even the hollow feeling in his front pocket was a small comfort. 

★ ★ ★

Sacrificing himself in order to stop HYDRA again wasn't exactly part of Steve's plan, but he couldn't find in it himself to be upset about it. The price of freedom was high, after all. 

Sinking into the deep, cold water of the Potomac was familiar down to his very cells. The last thing Steve could remember doing was reaching for the photo of a boy he once knew, too many years ago. 

**-2016-**

Peggy dies, and Steve Rogers feels more alone than ever before. 

Then, Captain America find a notebook in a Bucharest apartment. 

Opening it to see a photo of himself from the '40s taped inside is a weird feeling. Something catches his eye as it falls to the floor, so he bends down to pick it up and feels someone at his back as he stands back up. Turning around, Steve is face to face with the Bucky for the first time in two years.

"Do you know me?" he asks, careful.

Bucky nods, "You're Steve. I read about you in a museum."

"Is that where you got this?" he holds it out for Bucky to see. 80 years later, and the small, soft photograph still brings him a comfort he hasn't found anywhere else. It doesn't got unnoticed that the man in it is still just as handsome, if a little worn around the edges too. 

Eyebrows knit together, Bucky just stares at it for a moment before replying, "No. You dropped that a long time ago."

Steve gasped, the air in the room suddenly gone. "Have you.. You've had this _the whole time_?"

Bucky doesn't get a chance to respond before the German special forces break in and they've got another fight on their hands. 

★ ★ ★

On the plane to Siberia, Steve doesn't even know how to pick up the thread of their previous conversation. He could feel the weight of the photo in his pocket, and the weight of Bucky's gaze at the back of his head. He hoped he never took either one of them for granted again. 

Suddenly Bucky spoke up, "I remember you droppin' it. Figured it musta' been real important to ya if you were carryin' it around in that uniform of yours. So I picked it up. Thought it mighta' been that dame you were always moonin' over - Peggy? Anyway, imagine my surprise when it's my ugly mug starin' back at me instead." 

Steve doesn't let himself get emotional at the way Bucky's voice is already softening back to his Brooklyn drawl. "Uh yeah, Buck, it was you. I had a photo of Pegs too, though, you were right. What, uh.. What else do you remember?"

"Not much. I get bits and pieces, mostly. My memory ain't quite the same, ya know?" he says, clearly trying to make a joke out of it. 

Steve wants it to mean something the Bucky remembers him before much else.

★ ★ ★

The fight was over. 

Nobody won. 

While he doesn't regret his actions, the guilt Steve feels over causing so much distance between friends - between family - eats at him. He'll find a way to make it up to them, he promises himself, but for now he has a more important mission. 

Bucky looks up when he walks into the room, and Steve is hit by just how _young_ he looks. Steve's chest aches at the thought Bucky's stolen youth, stretched for far too long by goddamn Nazi scientists. Shaking his head in an effort to clear his thoughts, Steve comes to a stop just shy of Bucky's personal space. 

"You sure about this?"

Bucky sighs, "I can't trust my own mind, Steve. So until they figure out how to get this stuff outta my head.. I think goin' back under is the best thing." He catches Steve's eye, "For everybody."

Steve nods. He knows he has to let Bucky make his own decisions, as much as it breaks his heart. Watching his best friends face disappear behind the ice hurt, especially since he didn't know how long it would be til they saw each other again. A lifetime of always saying goodbye. Steve didn't turn away until after he could no longer pick out the point of Bucky's nose, or the curve of his shoulder from behind the frosted glass. 

Steve put his hand in his pocket, fingers curling around the soft edges of an old memory, and smiled. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi this was my first fic, ever. pls be gentle


End file.
